


Reckoning With Herself

by Steerintoit



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-08-30 02:21:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16756033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Steerintoit/pseuds/Steerintoit
Summary: Mary Winchester reflects on the real reasons she avoided Sam and Dean for so long.





	Reckoning With Herself

**Author's Note:**

> It occurred to me that Mary died back in 1983, when certain social justice issues were... not as evolved as they are today. And I would also think that most parents would have trouble coping with the realization that their children have a somewhat-too-close relationship. This is a short drabble about Mary coming to terms with her sons' relationship with one another, and her part in creating that relationship.

Mary knew it had taken her a long time to warm up to her boys. It had taken her a long time to adjust to everything. But her boys. And even now, today, she was lying to them. She never told them the whole truth. Why she stayed away for awhile. Why she barely spoke to them. Why she was so willing to fall in with the British Men of Letters, why she was so willing to fall in anywhere, that wasn’t with them. 

She couldn’t look at her two sons without feeling ashamed of herself, for what she’d done, the damage she’d caused. It ran deeper than she ever would have thought. A selfish dream for herself, and this is where it had lead.

They were sick. And she couldn’t blame them. She blamed herself. For bringing John into this, for bringing her family into this, this life. It should have ended with her. 

But it didn’t. It still hadn’t ended. 

Here they were. Twisted and damaged by the life she’d given them. There was no other way they could be. It was beautiful. It was sick. 

There is no advice out there for how to react when you realize your sons are just too close. No one can tell you what to do, when you come back from the dead to find out you ruined your children. She thought her two boys would grow up, get married, have children of their own. Not - not this. 

Who do you even talk to about that? 

When they were still small. When they were babies. Even just two men together. No one ever really talked about these things. And then she - she died. And came back. Things had changed. A lot of things had changed.

And they were still sick. A beautiful sickness. Love isn’t supposed to be sick. But the only reason they felt these things, was because something had already gone very badly wrong. 

Her and John were sicker than them - but their sickness was acceptable. It was normal. All she had ever wanted was to be normal. Why was it okay for her and John to be tangled up unhealthy together, to bring children into it, but them, her boys - they were the sick ones? 

But they were her boys. As jarring and as strange as it all was, she wanted to be in their lives. She wanted to be near them, to know them. 

She loved them.

And even while she knew it was horribly wrong - it just really didn’t look that wrong. She could see the love, with every moment, every look, every touch, every breath. She could see the ways they’d grown around each other and into each other. Better suited than most couples she’d known, back then. 

She remembered her dream world, her grown son standing over baby Sam, cracked open just from the sight of him. 

“Sammy.”

And just recently, baby Sammy, now a grown, tall man, taking down super-charged monsters with nothing but a knife. And minutes later, on his knees, staring up at his brother, tears in his eyes, asking if he was real. Needing him to be real. 

And Mary had a really hard time thinking that was sick or twisted. It just looked like love. 

She’d just needed time.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading everyone! I hope you enjoyed this! :) Please comment with any feedback you might have.


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